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| The best birthday ever. =)I'm nineteen years old. The past years have been full of challenges,
experiences, trials that have made me the person I am today.
As i remember the past mistakes, the past struggles, the past
friendships, the past housing circumstances, i remember God's
faithfulness. I have been through times where i looked to drugs to fill
an emptiness that was already filled, i trusted friends who were there
for the good times then turned their backs on me when the fun was over.
i was taken advantage of, robbed, intimidated, lonely, overwhelmed with
times of depression, and lost control of myself through times of manic
depression.
The past few years have been full of these things. I am learning to
accept who i am, someone who has to live with illnesses and extreme
mood swings. I have experienced this things continually having no
control over it. But there is someone who is in control.
At times i feel down, like right now, where i struggle to be hopeful. I
have tended to drift away from everyone isolating myself from family
and friends. I have lost focus of what reality is and overwhelm myself
with thoughtlessness, where my mind drifts off and becomes pessimistic.
But now things are different. My focus is longing to look towards Him.
I am not completly putting Him at the center of my life. I try, but
have failed so many times. My dad shared with me his bible study. "Be
joyful when God puts you on hold". Basically he revealed to my that God
will put me on hold letting me wait before he picks up the other end of
the "phone line" and speaks to me. The "hold" length may be short or
long. And being on hold feels discouraging, but James tells us to
"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many
kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops
perseverance"(James 1:2-3).
As we had a time of prayer. We both wept. My dad told me the tears were
not of sadness, but of overwhelming joy. That time we had together
helped me a lot. I am encouraged to keep looking to Him for strength
and although i may not be happy at this time, find the inner joy which
comes from Him.
Yesterday, my birthday, was one of the most memorable days of my life.
The simple lunch. The sincerity of fellowship. Everything about it was
amazingly awesome.
"Weeping may remain for a night, but rejoicing comes in the morning." -Psalm 30:5
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| Life is challenging. Espesially when things seem so complicated... I've
been enduring the struggles of my personal life. Mentally, physically,
emotionally, spiritually. Although i've been put through all this, i
come to realize that it is all a test from Him. All the crap i have
experienced has led me to the conclusion that life itself is a test.
Every situation i go through, every emotion i've felt, every
insecurity, everything i feel has been planned to happen in my life
before time began. It may be hard to grasp this concept, but this is
what i believe.
I have been a believer in Jesus since i was six, however i didn't
realize how much He meant to me until the past few years, where i've
been going through episodes of depression, hypomanic depression, weird
mood changes, unstability in my mind... man.. i've been through a lot..
Hospitalizations, medications, group therapy, suicidal thoughts, self
harm, drug abuse, broken friendships.. and the list goes on.. I don't
see these things as a past burden, but instead i see them as something
to learn from. There is a saying that says, "The most important things
you learn in life are through the our worst experiences." This is so
true in my situation. I'm not saying i've enjoyed or love to go through
hurt and suffering. What i'm trying to say is that we go through a lot
of things that make us challenged to face our futures.
For me, my future is inevitable. I can't stop what's going to happen to
me, but i can change my attitude towards it. Because of my faith in God
I can see through all my problems, burdens and look to Him. When i
focus on my problems, i will be anxious. If i focus on God and let Him
take care of me, I do not need to be worried of my furture because He
is in control of every situation in my life. I don't need to be worried
about the past, present, or future because i am secure in Him. That's
what matters to me at this point in my life and it is my prayer that i
will continue to be as long as i do what i need to do in order to stay
"Fresh".
I quit smoking on the 9th of September. That was the day i attended a
youth rally where the theme of the night was "Times of Refreshing."
After the games, the music, the testimonies it became serious. Not
literally. The preacher was funny and too cool to be his age. I admire
him for being real. During his message I wasn't really into the whole
refresh thing.. i listened to the message of his sermon. Repentance of
my sin. It was hard to let go of my sin, mainly smoking. I was addicted
to cigarettes, even to the point where after the tears of
overwhelming conviction i still went out of the building to look for
cigarettes on the floor that i could pick up and smoke.. i was ashamed
of that. But God is good. Oh yes he is.. Because of that night I am
free from bondage of sin in my life and a servant of my Brother and
King, Jesus. His love has kept me from freezing to death, spared my
physical health from being too messed up, saved me. Yes, Jesus truly
saves. and my life is a living proof of that love. If it wasn't for
Jesus Christ who was nailed to the cross. The lamb of God who was
slain. The only way to be freed from slavery to sin. I would not be in
front of this computer typing this journal entry. He was, He is, He
will be my sustaining grace.
I have hope for the future He has prepared for me. And i will look to
Him for help, guidance, peace to keep me from falling from Him. I know
i will face tough times in the future. The future looks challenging,
but I have Him to be my mercy and grace, and my Saviour.
"I can do all things through Him who gives me strength." ~Philippians 4:13
-ji
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| friendshipfriendship is such a big thing to me these days.. especially with
people who have a lot of issues to take care of. They're the one's who
really need a friend. they're usually the most challenging, yet
worthwhile friends to have. they're so full of problems that you just
wanna help them and just be with them.. even being with someone is an
encouragement.. even just saying hello and smiling to them can make
their day brighter. simple things like that can make a difference in
their lives..
recently i've been trying to be a friend to all my old pals.. from back
in the day to people i just recently met.. man it's very time
consuming, but once again.. it's rewarding and worthwhile. i love how i
have so many people i can talk to.. for some i can become more open and
for some i can just be an idiot and make them laugh.. friends bring out
the best in me.. the true friends, that is.. i have friends who are
fake.. they only want to get something from you and that's all they
care about.. but the real friends that i have are the ones who i'll
cherish for the rest of my life.. and even walk through heavens gate's
with.. i wish this could be for all my friends.. i wish i could save
them all.. i just have to walk through all the open doors the Lord
leads me too and grasp every opportunity that i have to guide them down
the right path..
friends.. some make you smile and some make you wish you never met
them.. it's hard to cope with those feelings towards fake friends.. you
try to be real with them but then they turn around and just start
acting strange towards you.. i don't understand why they do that.. i
mean i may have done that in the past with out knowint it, but i'm more
aware of how i act with people these days.. i'm more understanding and
more genuine.. i try to keep it real.. i'm not perfect. no one on earth
is perfect.. the only one who was and is perfect is God. N one compares
to Him.. and no one ever will.
Jesus loves you people.. i don't wanna preach.. but i just want you to
know that.. you can have a personal relationship with him and he'll
love you like you've never been loved. God is Love.. His love is
unconditional. it surpasses the universe's limits. you can accept His
love and gain a life of joy and peace and much more.. or you can turn
your back and live your life the way you're living it right now.. but
let me tell you.. you have nothing to lose, and so much to gain..
take care..
-ji
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| moving on..i guess she doesn't wanna have me in her life anymore.. it's time for me to just let this go.. i've been hanging on to hope that she'll call me or write.. she hasn't.. if she ever does, i'll still be here.. but now i guess livin' life without her is what's gonna be happening. i guess relationships right now are kinda too much for me now.. new friends are cool, but dating i guess isn't in the picture for me any time soon.. i just don't wanna waste my time on something that will probably end up making my life more complicated than it needs to be. so aloha to love for now.. hi or goodbye.. ahahah
-ji
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| ..heryeah.. so this issue with my girl. i've completely lost contact with her and now i'm just hoping one of these days she'll give me a call. for the part 4 years of knowing her, i couldn't thank God more for such a special person in my life. she's my everything in this life besides God. i love her with all my heart. I don't know what i'd do without her in the picture of my life. when i'm with her, the picture is complete. i love you Jo.. if you're reading this.. i want you to know i'll always be here for you and i love you. always have, always will. 143. -ji | | |
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